When The Writing "Won't Flow", or, What I Want To Change This Fall

    It's time I was completely honest with you. Over the last few months, I have done barely any writing.

    I know, I know, it's summer, so I should have way more time than usual to get my writing done! And I do have more open time than usual... but I haven't been spending it writing. Instead, I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos, playing a lot of Stardew Valley, and working. Sometimes I get up and get useful things done at home, like washing dishes or cleaning bathrooms or folding laundry or practicing my step vault for the parkour program I've started (oh, yeah, I'm doing parkour now. It's great; I'll post videos of some of the moves I've learned sometime!). But all in all, it's been a pretty lazy summer.

    And now, oops, summer is nearly over. I start my next semester of classes the week after tomorrow, and between a full-time college schedule and work, I basically have one and three-quarters open days per week (that aren't Sundays) to spend on homework and whatever I do to relax, be it writing, parkour, YouTube, or Stardew Valley. Somehow, my big, open summer where I thought I'd have all the time in the world to work on stories (and especially on revising The Noble Thief) has disappeared.

    It's my own fault, I know, spending time watching other people play Minecraft or designing my ideal farm on the computer instead of writing my ideal story. Of course I haven't gotten any writing done; I wasted all my time, and for what? Better build design in a game I can't play because it's too complex for my little old laptop to run? Super useful skill!

    The excuse I've been using is that the writing won't flow. It's just easier to sit back and watch someone else living their dream than it is to move forward and work on mine. I'm sure if I'd spent all those summer hours focusing on writing and parkour, I'd have progressed a lot farther along in both than I have.

    I've also been struggling with feeling any sense of purpose this summer. Little wonder, since I've wasted all my time instead of working towards my goals. Very sensible of me, isn't it? 

    So why has my summer gone this way, and how can I keep my school year from being the same?

    First, I need to separate my writing time from my chill time. It's fine to have half an hour to an hour of chill time every day, when you can veg out and enjoy doing something that doesn't require your whole brain. My parents like to work on dishes and laundry during their chill time, because it's something that keeps their hands busy and keeps them productive, even while their minds are focused on the TV.

    I don't like a lot of traditional movies or TV shows, but I find Minecraft YouTube videos super interesting, so I watch a lot of those in my down time. A handful of the perspectives of Hermitcraft are my go-tos. Unfortunately, I also have to watch Minecraft videos, especially if I'm watching builders and trying to get a better sense for how the design process works. And watching some is good and fine; it's when the watching gets out of control that I run into trouble.

    So, this school year, it would be good to limit myself. I get to choose one Hermitcraft perspective to follow during the school year, and since the videos come out approximately weekly, that means somewhere between fifteen minutes and an hour every week that I'll allow myself to spend watching that. Otherwise, if I'm on YouTube, it had better be to listen to music whilst doing something else, do legitimate research for my writing (though the sort of legitimate research I've had to do lately has mostly been articles to read, so even then I need to be cautious with that excuse), or delete subscriptions.

    I also need to set aside dedicated writing time for myself. If I don't, I'll never get any writing done. So, I need to pick times, two or three times a week (because I think that's all my schedule can handle), for me to do nothing but focus on producing or revising story. Once I've scheduled that time in, nothing can infringe upon it, and I must make myself work on writing tasks for the entirety of that time.

    Parkour gets the same treatment. If I'm going to learn parkour, I've got to practice regularly, which means setting aside dedicated time in which I do nothing else. No distractions.

    Then, if I need to relax, I get to choose other activities: baking cookies, or doing small chores like laundry, or making hats so I have even more hat-variety this winter, or playing D&D with my friends, or actually sitting through a movie with my family instead of popping in and out like I usually do, or letting myself play a little bit of Stardew Valley, or reading a book.

    Snap, I have more hobbies than I thought I did. Maybe, if I don't spend all my time on YouTube, I'll actually be able to spend time on them. Darn it! I thought I had an excuse of "There's nothing else to do!"

    (Pro tip: You never have that excuse. There's always something else to do. Whether you're going to do it or not is up to you. It's like when you go rooting around in the fridge, hoping that something new will magically appear. Nothing currently in the fridge sounds good, so when Mom points out the list of eight things you could eat, you're forced to admit that you do have options, but you don't like any of them.)

    My other goal this Fall is to be more authentic and true to myself. My mom and I were talking recently and observing that, in the culture we live in, it can be really hard to be authentic to who you are and where you're at. In my locale, it can feel a lot like other people are going to judge you if they find out you aren't as perfect a person as you appear.

    People sometimes tell me how wonderful they perceive me to be. I have great ideas and thoughts, I'm such a talented musician/dancer/whatever, I write such great stories... and that's cool, I guess, but I don't feel all that great. I'm just me. I make tons of mistakes and dumb decisions, I quit music because I didn't enjoy it and dance because I struggled with how fast I was expected to learn things, and I'm not enjoying writing right now. I have tons of doubts about who I am, where I'm going, and what I'm good at.

    Now, thinking about that logically now, as I'm writing this out, I understand that to some, I look like I know who I am. For some people, that surely seems like an impossible step. And I also understand that most people reading this will probably relate. I'm pretty sure we all have doubts about ourselves, and those doubts are really tough to fight off.

    But the first step in fighting off any enemy is recognizing the enemy you're fighting against. If you won't admit that the enemy exists, how are you supposed to fend it off? Hence my goal: I believe that if I can be really, truly authentic about where I'm at, and the fact that I do have doubts and fears, even if it seems like I don't on the outside, then perhaps letting others see me as I truly am will help me overcome those doubts and fears.

    It's time for me to be authentic to who I am: a girl who loves books and farm animals; a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who loves the smell of coffee; an Irish dancer who loves the music and the dance, but who quit because she couldn't handle the dance culture; a girl on the cusp of adulthood who tries so hard to make rational, mature decisions, but in doing so behaves even more childishly; a writer who is having the hardest time enjoying writing of any sort, and so hasn't even touched her blog in nearly a month.

    Who am I? A person full of contradictions.

    And aren't we all? Isn't that what makes each one of us interesting and unique? Isn't that what makes it fun to meet and get to know someone new? Isn't that what draws so many readers to so many of their favorite characters?

    So this Fall, I'm going to be more honest and true to who I am. It might take a while to determine exactly what that means, but I'm going to make the effort. When I meet new people on the college campus this year, they get to meet the real me: nerdy, socially clumsy, and a firebrand of a girl who isn't good at keeping her mouth shut when she ought, but who has good intentions and means the best for those around her and loves to tell people cool facts about animals and books.

    Hello, world. My name is Elia. Pleased to meet you; allow me to introduce you to the real me.

Note: Due to the fact that this post was written around midnight, it may undergo edits and revisions when I've had more sleep.