Of Grace and Epiphanies

    I had an epiphany today: I have a disability. Two, in fact.

    I'll get to why that's an epiphany in a minute. First, life updates: I'm a YouTuber now! And a Twitch streamer! Mostly a Twitch streamer, but I put the VODs on YouTube. If you want to watch, my YouTube channel is here and my Twitch channel is here.

    Okay, back to the epiphany.

    Recently (as in, the last day of LTUE this year), I made a goal to write a 70,000 word novel (or 70,000 words of a novel) by April 15th. I did really well at first, and made a lot of progress very quickly. Currently, I'm sitting at about 18.7K words 19 days into the challenge; I should be at about 20K words according to the tracking website I'm using, because my writing speed has dropped off recently.

    However, due to the epiphany I had today, I've decided that, no matter the outcome, whatever word count I reach by April 15th, I'm not going to beat myself up if I haven't hit that 70K mark. Rather, I'll be proud of myself for doing something I've never done before for my writing: Setting a daily writing goal and trying my darndest to achieve it. No matter what happens from here on out, I will have written more words in these 60 days than I wrote in the 18 months preceding them, and that is achievement enough for me.

    Now, the way this epiphany came about was during a conversation with one of my colleagues today. I'm not going to share any details in order to protect their privacy, but essentially what I came out of that conversation with was the fact that, for neurodivergent brains (such as my own, which is wired with both the autism and ADHD circuitry), having proper supports and accommodations is kind of important. Just because I know all the coping skills I need to use doesn't mean I have the capacity to use them when a relevant situation comes along. That's where medication comes in handy for ADHD--it can quiet a hyperactive mind so that the coping skills become possible.

    Of course, I don't intend to get medication for my ADHD. I don't think it would help much; since my ADHD and autism tend to manage one another, ADHD meds would probably just make things more challenging as the autism took greater control of my brain. But there's more to the story than just meds or no meds.

    Later today, my mom approached me with some concerns she's been having. You see, streaming on Twitch and uploading VODs to YouTube has become my latest hyperfixation, and my mom was concerned that my life might be a tad out of balance, given all the time I've spent on my computer in a dark bedroom rather than out doing things in the world. She and my dad have been trying for years to get me to be more helpful around the house, with little success. Furthermore, I'm dating right now, and my mom was concerned that I don't have the skills to succeed as a wife and mother one day.

    Well, I opened my mouth to respond, and the words that came out surprised us both. "Honestly, Mom, I think it depends on the perspective we're taking here. From your perspective, I'm not coming out and interacting much, and so you're concerned because you're worried I might be wasting my life and/or not okay. From my perspective, though, I'm doing really well--I'm working, I'm doing school, I'm working on a goal to write a book by April 15th, I've kept my room clean for two whole weeks now [actually, thinking on it now, it might actually be three weeks, yay!], I'm buying almost all my own food and I'm actually feeding myself!"

    Now, to the outside observer, these might seem like small accomplishments, but for me they're huge. For the last two years or so, I've struggled to eat enough due to issues with ARFID (Avoidant-Restrictive Food Intake Disorder), and I actually have a scar on my face that is the direct result of the ARFID, because I fainted from low blood sugar and bashed my face on the way down. I had to get six stitches for that. If I can't take care of and feed myself, how am I supposed to take care of and feed a future family?

    Furthermore, my room has been routinely messy since... forever. I'm pretty sure part of the reason my older sister was so excited to get her own room a decade back was that she wouldn't have to deal with my consistent mess anymore. I just can't seem to keep my pile of clean laundry off the floor, or keep my desk clear of random clutter. If I can't keep my own space clean, how am I supposed to help my parents keep their space clean?

    I also have a tendency to waste my time if I have nothing to do. Rather than taking initiative and finding something to do, I will sleep, or scroll on Reddit, or run myself out of good YouTube videos and watch dumb ones instead, or sleep some more. It's hard for me to get myself moving if there isn't some outside impetus to get me moving--until, of course, hyperfixation hits, and at that point I stop wandering in and out of my room aimlessly and just... disappear.

    I have a disability--two, in fact, and their names are autism and ADHD. What's more, it seems that the ADHD has been causing the vast majority of the problems in my daily life, and now I understand why. You see, I know I should go out an help Mom and Dad, but that doesn't mean I'm capable of recognizing what needs to be done, or have the executive function to actually do it. What I've been treating as a "basic task" that I'm a failure at for so many years is actually kind of a big deal because the wiring of my brain actually seriously prevents me from jumping straight to a demand that high. 

    The fact that I've kept my room clean for three weeks without letting my clothes live on the floor for an excessive length of time? That's improvement. That signals that I'm finally figuring out how to keep my own space clean, and that is the baby step that leads to helping my parents, and helping my parents is the baby step that leads to managing my own household one day.

    The fact that I'm eating food now, even if I go through phases of eating the same few foods for weeks at a time? That's improvement too. That means that I'm finally taking the time to take care of myself, and if I can do that, that's the first step toward taking care of others in my family.

    And as for the hyperfixation? Well, I'd say that's actually a positive thing--if I'm hyperfixated, I'm engaging in activities that energize me, refuel me, and get me ready to go back to work, rather than mindlessly consuming whatever the Internet serves me or sleeping my life away.

    And therein lies the epiphany. I don't have to be perfect right away. Life is genuinely more difficult for me than it is for others due to the way my brain is built. That's not going to change.

    What I can change, though, is my perception of myself and my progress. Sure, I don't help out around the house as much as I probably should. But I am keeping my room clean at the moment and still optimizing my clean-room organization. One day, I will be able to help out around the house because of the practice I get by cleaning my room now.

    Sure, I don't take on meal plans and take a load off my mom by cooking for my family. But the fact that I'm finally willing to take the time to go shopping for food, or cook mac and cheese for myself? That's progress that says that one day, I'll be able to cook dinner for my kids on a regular basis.

    And sure, I hyperfixate on things. I have special interests. I disappear for hours and hours at a time working on these things and disconnect from my family. But at the same time, when I start to come out of a hyperfixation, my desire to connect with people skyrockets and I dive right back in to spending time with them, and I think if I can balance it right, I can build my life around cycles of family time and special interest time, rather than flip-flopping between wasting time and special interest time.

    Sometimes, we've just got to learn to work with what we've got. We have to learn to be patient with ourselves, to recognize our limits, and to figure out where we're truly starting from. I thought I was starting from the same point as anyone else, and that it should be easy to start helping around the house. For years, I've wondered why I couldn't do it.

    Now, I understand why. I'm starting at a point well behind many other people and have to play catch-up. This stuff is legitimately hard for me. And rather than letting that stop me, I can use that knowledge to give myself some grace and break the tasks ahead into even smaller steps that make it possible for me to progress, one step at a time.

    I have a disability. Two, in fact. I didn't think I would ever label myself as a disabled individual; you certainly can't see my disabilities. Furthermore, I never thought it would benefit me to label myself as a disabled individual.

    And yet, somehow, recognizing my own disabilities today has given me more hope and enthusiasm for the future than I ever could have imagined, because it tells me where I'm really at.

    And now that I know that? Well, working with my disabilities and succeeding despite the challenges they impose has suddenly become a much easier task.